welcome to my blog. you can ignore this portion, if you want. its just where i ramble about certain things but am brave enough to share about it on my personal page.

NEO FROM THE MATRIX IS MTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11/22/01

we all watched the matrix, right? it came out two years ago and like everyone and their dad watched it so, uh, spoiler warning i guess if you havent watched it but you probably have. i think the matrix is a transgendered allegory. so i rewatched it again with my spouse because this is a bit tmi but whatever my blog often things related to reality incongruence/'none of this is real' like fucks with my head and i dont feel alive but my spouse grounds me so when i do watch stuff like that im with them. anyway, neo is a girl like me. she is a computer freak (unfortunately, I can't do all that programming biz. i say i can 'code' to impress people but we know good and well this is just markup) and a hermit who goes by an alternate name she finds more comfortable in the anonymity of the online world, then has to return to being normal mr. anderson in his little suit when she's around average people. the agents are Society, how they force everyone to abide by the song and dance of sex and gender and heterosexuality and punish those who step outside of the lines they've made. they + the sentinels 'protect' the world by destroying freaks like us and beating us down into nothing to keep everything nice and clean. i think everyone whos unplugged is some level of gender variant, Trinity is MTF, Morpheus is FTM, etc.... Cypher is also a transsexual, but he has shame. a special, kind of genderqueer flavored regret. cypher regrets his transition, hes happy as a man, but life is so much harder now. he lost his family, he is treated much differently now, his happiness is behind a paywall... it sickens him, like all transsexuals. but cypher doesn't realize that no matter how 'bio'-male/female you get, youre still a faggot, a dyke, youre still a freak, youre still depraved.

no matter how much you barter with society and shave off all the freak parts, try and pretend you're 'real' like them, that wont ever happen. you are still a malformed half-man half-woman full abomination. the non-queer trying to 'help you' or 'promise you a seat at the table' are lions asking for directions to where the rabbit burrows. anyway, when cypher kills half his team and is all buddy-buddy with the agents, its like, a symbol of how this Transsexual Regret/self-Hatred causes us to turn on each other for the impossible goal of conformity. okay back to neo, but i think "the one" is like representative of Finally Accepting oneself... the oracle, a seasoned trans-girl beaut I can only hope I age into tells neo she isnt the one because thats something she needs to figure out for herself. the agents picking around in morpheus' brain for the 'code' is them trying to find out what they can finally take from the transsexuals to make them cease to exist, but that'll never happen. & Finally, when neo shouts MY NAME IS NEO! during the train scene with the agent after he calls her mr. anderson its her finally asserting herself as a woman, & when she gets those cool powers its her accepting it. the ending when *she* is the one reaching out to computer geeks is her reaching out to closeted folks who she knows need an out. you get it? no? well I'm right. soo.. you better be thankful 4 my analysis. for 6000$ I will release all of my weird transgendered lesbian trineo fanfiction and artwork to you personally and you aren't allowed to judge me either. no? Okay. fine. see you all again when the matrix reloaded comes out in 2 yrs! -_- ← im happy just stoic lol

... im bad at mouse art.

OPINIONS ON "GOOD ART" AND "BAD ART"

11/01/01 (make a wish!)

i dont think bad art and good art exist and if they did they don't serve any purpose for categorizing art, nor does real art or fake art, depraved art and pure art, whatever, who cares. anything can be art if you want it to be. i'm an aspiring cartoonist, i wouldn't say i'm the next da vinci by any standards. 99% of the time i'm drawing things that i wouldn't be able to show in public and only my spouse or some dozen internet denizens have seen, not because they're like, horrific, or anything. they're just... weird, i guess. y'know. like art that would be perceived as thinly veiled fetish art (which sometimes it is) or backwards nonsense or childish or this and that and this and that and isn't as cute anymore because after you hit like twelve you stop being impressive for your age unless you can draw renaissance chiaroscuros (which i also find to be lame, because there's good stuff from places that AREN'T europe) and just start being lame, because you can't profit off of indulgence. i mean, art * can * sell, movies, games, books, graphic design, you name it! but honestly i don't really think companies would be too pleased looking through my portfolio & finding lovingly rendered artwork of my spouse as a mad scientist turning me into a giant praying mantis specifically so i can disembowel them alive but its loving, me hugging guts from berserk and roger from that one film who framed roger rabbit and crying, me but if i was christ because i was in a past life, me killing myself by putting myself into the who framed roger rabbit dip, my spouse again, arcee, arcee again, MTF robot ladies, etc, etc. you may know me from yerf as melgelz72, or some of my underground comix i've sold around (not saying where as not to reveal my location) "plastic idol girl" "a series of generations" & "a day in the life of a 46 year old maid", and if it isn't obvious, the art i choose to share with the world is extremely indulgent.

it isn't something i could mass produce or sell unless i find some weirdos who really want to put a comic of my persona Melanie nesting inside a packet of valium. is this a bad thing? not really. i mean, yes, it may be less profitable to just draw what you want instead of getting it up into the big industries, you're certainly going to make less money and have less fans... but does it really matter? your happiness matters. draw weird, draw badly... draw for you. i don't care if it looks ugly or no one can understand it. i dont care if you're nine or eighty three. even if you hate it, thats something you made. go forth, spread your wings, and never let Big Media make you shave off your edges to make the same dumb logos every day under the guise of making the big chips so you stop making crossover dragon tales fresh prince of bel air as a chinese ballad fanart.

BUG TALK

10/29/01

halloween's pretty close, isn't it? man... i still don't know what i wanna be. me and my partner match every year, but both of us are stumped.... ggggggggggggh. yes, i'm a grown woman,i wont be trick or treating, i won't get invited to any parties, but this is important to us, okay? okay? good. back on topic now, i think that in my past life i was bugs, like all of my past lives up until now were bugs. my first life - HUMBLE RHINO BEETLE. i was a proud, male, rhino beetle. my back was beautiful and orange, then i died in battle over a crumb. then i was reborn into a gorgeous blue dragon fly who would fly over parks kids played at and i died of old age. then i was a german cockroach who ate shit and shit only and had 50 babies (eggs imply female but i wasnt. i was something new.) then i was reborn a mother black widow, and i was deadly... with men! incase you didn't know, black widows rarely kill people, their bites just hurt like the dickens. i was killed happily by my hundreds of babies. then i was a wedded mealworm, who died to a trout, deranged weevil, then a noble leafcutter ant who died protecting her colony, then i became a roly poly, who was crushed by an old mans bike, then i was a roach again, who also only ate shit, but this time i lived in new york. then i was a katydid and i had bpd too but the other bugs didnt understand my strife so i bug killed myself, then i was reborn as a sinister mantis who was the best hunter ever, then i had this life. i wonder what it all means... why so many bugs? why these in particualr? hm... i know this because once i gained my antenna, i got more spirtually attuned. i could sense the slightest things.. my brethren.. my sisters.. in the dirt.. in the dirt.. in the dirt... im waiting... im waiting.. soon, i will return to you... i will be a botfly, in my next life.....

WATCH OUT! SHE'S ARMED WITH........... BUG GIFS.

UH

9/11/01

Okay.

I'M IN LOVE WITH THE COFFEE MACHINE AT WORK

8/31/01

God... so, a few months ago, we got a new coffee machine to put in the break room during work, right? and... man, i can't stop looking at her.

(image via the internet, i'm not taking a real picture for safety reasons.) she's a mr. coffee 12 cup brewer... not assuming, but i think she might be butch because of the "mr" title, anyway.. I keep purposely lingering in the break room and just... staring at her because she's just so sleek and beautiful. i always feel so nervous making coffee with her, because she's so handsome... my coworkers don't understand her. they have to be gentle with her, they have to clean her thoroughly.. i always offer to clean her, when the time comes. and if they were to ever throw her out, i would probably beg on my knees for them to let me have it instead of her going into the trash. noone knows about my object-sexuality so it's not like they suspect me of anything, they just think i'm lazy and trying to squeeze in extra break time. moreso people above me. that's a lie.. someone else knows about my object-sexuality. my partner... is this embarassing to admit... whatever. ten people maximum are gonna read this and they don't really surf the net all that often. well... that coffee machine reminds me of my partner, which is one of the main reasons i'm so drawn to it. i get nervous around fax machines, and clunky old printers, and elegent coffee machines, and well crafted tea pots, and furnished antiques, freshly pressed suits, and some blades, because they remind me so much of him. it's a way i can also have her at work where i can't see them... i dont know how to tell her. i don't think i have to.. but... nevermind/ ramble over. i feel shy now. there's physically no way to reply to this, but does anyone else have feelings for objects? feel fuzzy when the tv goes static, or a printer prints out a warm piece of paper? i don't mean objects associated with sex/romance, i mean, just any of them. even the most boring one you could imagine. i hope i'm not alone. i dont wish to be "fixed," im just curious/. thank you. gosh i gotta stop doing that my claw keeps hitting the slash i type very quickly

listofanimalialoves

7/8/01

i like hercules beetles, i like flatworms, i like cockroaches, i like idolomantis, i like praying mantis, i like weaver ants, i like leafcutter ants, i like fire ants, i like fruit bats, i like mosquitos, i like horseflies, i like botflies, i like dung beetles, i like bearded dragons, i like short horned lizards, i like garden snakes, i like boa constrictors, i like glass frogs, i like hairy toads, i like yeti crabs, i like maggots, i like mealworms, i like siphonophores, i like moths, i like yellowjackets, i like ladybugs, i like leeches, i like mice, i like ticks, i like termites, i like syrian hamsters, i like hooded seals, i like scorpions, i like coywolves, i like panda bears, i like sun bears, i like shrews, i like lemmings, i like pigs, i like raccoons, i like spiders, i like red pandas, i like lemurs, i like aye ayes, i like slow loris, i like platypus, i like flies, i like binturog, i like monitor lizard, i like leopard seals, i like rockhopper penguins, i like fleas, i like hermit crabs,

............................ LAWN MOWER GONE HAYWIRE

6/2/01

........... i forgot this place existed again. -_-....... sorry lul. anyway today while i was trying to mow the lawn using my riding lawnmower i got distracted by a southern flannel moth caterpillar (those venomous (NOT POISONOUS!) yellow fluffy caterpillars) in a tree. and now that im thinking about it i mightve been halluciating because we dont get those around where i live. anyway, i gasped, and um.... there was a stick hidden beneath the grass i didnt see and it got stuck in the motor blades and broke it. the pieces went flying and it hit my neighbor in the head and i jumped off of it and it went somewhere in the street but idk which direction so i ran into the house and hid. i feel humiliated. im not a handy girl, and no one i know is handy, and im too embarassed to call a repairman. im considering renting out a herd of goats to decimate my lawn next time. and no i dont wanna call a guy to mow the lawn. money isnt an issue its just... i dont wanna. this is nothing. which ruminant is cutest and smells the least bad. nyquil

SITE UPDATE

1/27/00

for the past three years i've had this domain i've done barely anything with it. i wanna add a blog. why not. happy new millenium, everyone. glad we all didn't die. i genuinely thought we were.

Welcome to my corner of the world wide web.

hi. im the webmaster, melanie72/melgelz. 30's, F, real life robo-mantis girl. this world's favorite transsexual. (don't like it? leave!) alien. objectophile. bi-lesbian. 100 feet tall. it takes me six hours to clean all of my motors. inquire here on my guestbook if yr selling bionicles, my little pony, underground comix, or digimon figurines, or just wanna leave a nice comment. i don't know how to make a comment section here. lady devimon I.R.L, seriously! might be made of slime. Idc about fresh mint / good condition cuz i dont wish to sell them or anything like that later. i just want 'em. if i don't reply back to you or am very dry its not because i hate you thats just what its like being me and interactions often disgust me

listen silence run - hirasawa susumu

SOME PRETTY COOL FILES

VIDEO

WEB GRAPHICS IVE COLLECTED. FLASH WARNING. CLICK THE ARROW

audio

random audio files on my computer. enjoy. they're mostly songs

thank you for viewing my personal website. i also drew this on microsoft paint, im fond of the shape tools, isn't it cute?